Why People-Pleasers and Perfectionists Often Feel Anxious

If you have people-pleasing or perfectionist tendencies, you may frequently experience anxiety. This often happens because both people-pleasers and perfectionists worry about being seen as inadequate. The fear of criticism or rejection drives them to stick to what feels safe, work harder, and ignore their own needs—all in an effort to prove their worth and keep others happy. Understanding the connection between anxiety, people-pleasing, and perfectionism is crucial to breaking free from these patterns and living a more authentic, fulfilling life.

THE LINK BETWEEN ANXIETY, PEOPLE-PLEASING, AND PERFECTIONISM

People-pleasing and perfectionism are often coping mechanisms used to manage underlying anxiety. When you're feeling anxious, you may turn to these behaviors to shield yourself from criticism, rejection, or conflict. However, while they may offer temporary relief, in the long term, they tend to increase anxiety and lead to additional challenges.

People-Pleasing:

People-pleasing often stems from a deep desire to gain approval and validation from others, often at the expense of your own needs and well-being. If you're a people-pleaser, you might go to great lengths to avoid conflict and seek constant approval, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. You may hold an underlying belief that by keeping everyone around you happy, you can avoid criticism or rejection.

Perfectionism:

Perfectionism, is driven by the need to meet excessively high personal standards, usually as a way to prove your worth and avoid failure. While striving for goals can be productive, perfectionism is often rooted in a fear of inadequacy or unworthiness. This can lead to overworking, burnout, and a persistent sense of never being "enough."

HOW IT IMPACTS YOU

• Neglecting Your Own Needs: Constantly prioritizing others can lead you to overlook your own needs. Over time, this can cause burnout and stunt personal growth.

• Hindering Personal Growth: Perfectionism can result in procrastination, comparison, and avoidance, while people-pleasing can keep you stuck in unfulfilling relationships or situations, preventing progress and undermining your self-worth.

• Suppressing Emotions: Both perfectionism and people-pleasing often lead to suppressing your true feelings and needs, which can cause you to disconnect from your emotions.

• Building Resentment: Difficulty in setting boundaries can lead to resentment—toward others and yourself. Over time, this resentment may damage relationships and contribute to feelings of frustration.

• Avoiding Conflict: People-pleasing can make you avoid addressing your needs or saying “no” to avoid conflict. Similarly, perfectionism may prevent you from confronting situations that could lead to criticism.

• Seeking External Validation: Both tendencies can lead you to doubt your abilities, causing you to rely on external validation instead of trusting yourself.

MANAGING ANXIETY AS A PEOPLE-PLEASER OR PERFECTIONIST

Managing anxiety in the context of people-pleasing or perfectionism requires practice and consistency. Here are some strategies to help you begin:

1. Build Self-Awareness

The first step is recognizing when and why you engage in people-pleasing or perfectionism. Pay attention to situations that trigger these behaviors. Are you trying to prove your worth? Are you afraid of disappointing someone? Understanding your triggers is crucial for changing how you respond.

2. Challenge Your Beliefs

People-pleasers and perfectionists often hold unhelpful beliefs such as, "If I say no, I’m letting people down," or, "If I don’t accomplish this, I’m a failure." Challenge these thoughts by asking, "Is this really true?" or, "What’s the worst that could happen if I don’t do this?" Over time, you can replace these beliefs with more realistic, healthier ones.

3. Practice Saying “No” and Setting Boundaries

Saying “no” can feel difficult, especially if you’re used to people-pleasing. Start by declining small requests, and gradually work up to setting firmer boundaries in more significant situations. Remember, prioritizing your own needs is an act of self-compassion.

4. Develop Helpful Coping Strategies

Coping strategies such as journaling, mindfulness, or physical activity can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions without judgment, reducing anxiety symptoms. Over time, you’ll learn which strategies work best for managing your anxiety and behavior patterns.

5. Seek Validation From Within and Embrace Imperfection

Instead of relying on external validation, practice self-compassion and self-acceptance. Allow yourself to make mistakes and show yourself the same grace you’d offer others. Incorporate positive self-talk and affirmations to build a healthier relationship with yourself. Embrace the idea that mistakes are part of growth and being human.

People-pleasing and perfectionism often arise as ways to manage anxiety. While they may seem like strategies to maintain peace and avoid conflict, they can lead to neglecting your own needs and hinder personal growth. Developing healthy coping skills, setting boundaries, and building self-confidence are essential steps toward overcoming the anxiety that accompanies these patterns and creating a more fulfilling life.